i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
