Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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