before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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