my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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