i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
