the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
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