WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
