right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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