you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
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I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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