if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
