honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You're a waste of cheezeits
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
