There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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