Your dad touched me again.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
