I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
