Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
