Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
