The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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