I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
