She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
