His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
