just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
