I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
