My sheets look like a crime scene.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
