I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
