i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
