Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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