Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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