I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
