ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
