went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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