I think my fart just growled at me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
