i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
