I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
