I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
