dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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