Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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