I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
