I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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