I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
