If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
