Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
