The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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