Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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