Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
