Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
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It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
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my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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