I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
