I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
