woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
