Ambien. No doubt about it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
