so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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