His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
