do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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