He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
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he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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