First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
