Where did you get a picture of my penis
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
