Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
