WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
