he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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