cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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