Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
